Grief counselling, also known as bereavement therapy, provides a supportive and effective platform to explore and clarify difficult thoughts, feelings and memories in safe and non-judgmental ways.

Bereaved individuals and families can benefit from grief counselling during one of the most difficult times in their lives. It can help the bereaved grieve in their own way and in their own time rather than conform to unhelpful cultural and societal expectations, such as “You must grieve in five stages” or “You must cry.” It also helps the bereaved to come to terms with their loss, embrace their pain, adapt and rebuild their lives

What is grief counselling?

Grief counselling is a type of specialised counselling that helps the bereaved process their painful thoughts and emotions, such as denial, rumination, sadness, anger, depression, guilt, anxiety and numbness. It also helps the bereaved develop adaptive skills and strategies to live without the deceased and create meaning and continuing bonds to celebrate the legacy of their loved ones.

While many people do not need grief counselling because grieving is a normal and natural response to losses, those who have grief counselling often find comfort, strength, support, and hope to live and rebuild a meaningful and fulfilling life.

Benefits of brief counselling 

Grief counselling has helped many people navigate the pain and sorrow associated with grief. Here are five main benefits of grief counselling: 

1. Hold yourself with kindness

Although grieving is a normal psychological process of coming to terms with loss, our society still struggles to discuss death and loss openly and compassionately.

Many people do not know how to best support someone grieving. Some unhelpful ideas about grief continue to pressure people to conform to specific ways of mourning rather than allow them to grieve in their unique ways.

Some unhelpful ideas about grief are “You will go through predictable and orderly stages of grief”, “If you are not crying, then you are not grieving”, “You have to express your emotions or talk about what you are going through”, and “You will stop grieving one day.”

Many people are not very good at responding to their pain and suffering with kindness and support. Therefore, the unhelpful ideas can have detrimental effects on their attitude and approach toward pain, such as “Be strong”, “Don’t be a burden to people”, and “I should be over my grief by now.” The critical and harsh self-talk and self-judgment can then complicate normal grieving.   

Grief counselling can help the bereaved deal with unhelpful responses (e.g., self-blame, avoidance, fused or entangled with unhelpful thoughts) by holding themselves with kindness rather than criticisms and self-judgment.

When grieving, you experience waves of painful thoughts and emotions, and grief counselling can help you acknowledge your pain and suffering and respond with genuine kindness and care. In other words, it is about cultivating self-compassion, normalising and validating diverse experiences of grieving.  

2. Drop an anchor through the storm

When a ship goes through a storm, it drops an anchor to support and stabilise the ship from being tossed away or swallowed by the tidal waves. The anchor is not meant to control or remove the storm but to secure the ship through the storm because eventually, the storm will pass, and you will see the sun again.  

Grief can create waves of an emotional storm in your life. And sometimes, when the storm is so huge and terrifying, you wonder whether it will ever stop.

Grief counselling can help you drop an anchor through the rise and fall of an emotional storm. It is about defusion and expansion – psychological skills that can allow you to stop fighting the storm and make peace with it. This technique will help you pull away from flashbacks, unwanted memories, and challenging emotions to refocus your attention and engage in life. 

3. Take a stand for what matters to you 

Grief often triggers a sense of powerlessness. Thus, it is crucial to focus on what is in your control. For example, you can control your actions, tune into and live out your values, and become the person you want to be. 

Taking a stand is about clarifying and living your values in the face of the loss. For example, what do you want to stand for in the face of this loss? Who do you want to be as you go through the loss? What values do you want to live? How do you want to treat yourself and others? It aims to empower you to respond effectively to your losses. 

Grief counselling can help you clarify your values, use your values to set goals, create action plans and take actions. In other words, you can use your values for motivation, inspiration and guidance. 

4. Find the treasure amid the loss  

The loss often dominates everything in the initial period of the loss. Grief counselling can help you recognise that there is more to life than loss amidst the pain and sorrow. It is about noticing, appreciating, savouring, and treasuring the little aspects of life and finding meaningful, enjoyable, pleasurable, and inspiring moments.

Many people often reported they have a greater appreciation of life, a changed sense of priority, a stronger connection and empathy for other people, and a more profound sense of meaning and purpose in life after significant losses. 

5. Resolve complicated grief

Complicated or unresolved grief happens when the normal grieving process and healing become derailed and disruptive—to the extent that you develop a chronic and debilitating condition that impacts and paralyses your daily functioning. Some signs and symptoms include:

• prolong and excessive difficult emotions
• constant rumination about the loss
• obsessive attempt to keep the deceased alive
• over avoidance
• clinging to anything that reminds the deceased
• continued worry about the future
• sense of impending gloom and doom
• complete withdrawal from people and daily activities

Grief counselling can help you reduce the risks of complicated grief, minimise rumination, overcome guilt and self-blame, instil hope and develop psychological flexibility to respond to your losses with greater kindness and compassion.

What type of therapy is used for grief?

There are several evidence-based therapies that are used for grief counselling. For example, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) helps you identify negative thought patterns that contribute to challenging feelings and behaviours that compromise effective grieving.

Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps you make room for difficult thoughts and feelings without being entangled or trapped by them, clarify your values in the face of the loss, develop committed actions and engage in meaningful living.

The Worden Four Tasks of Mourning focuses on helping you accept the reality of the loss, work through the pain of grief, adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing, and find an enduring connection while embarking on a new life.

Robert Neimeyer is one of the foremost authorities on bereavement and grief and the Director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition. His meaning reconstruction therapy has assisted many bereaved to make meaning in the loss, as bereavement can often bring about a crisis of meaning.

You can watch my interview with Professor Robert Neimeyer on ‘Demystifying Grief; Creating Meaning and Continuing Bond’ below.

As you can see, there are different approaches and models for grief counselling. Your grief counsellor will help you decide which grief therapy is the most suitable for you.   

How long should you wait for grief counselling?

Grief is different for everyone, and it affects everyone differently. Therefore, there is no universal answer to the best time for grief counselling.

How long should you wait for grief counselling depends on a few factors, such as the nature, severity, impacts and duration of your grief. For example, if your grief is significantly interfering with and disrupting your health and wellbeing, you are finding it challenging to cope, and your loved ones are suggesting you seek professional help, then perhaps it is time to seek grief counselling.    

So, what exactly should you say to someone who is in grief? The truth is there is no one formula that you need to use. In other words, there are no rigid scripts or sentences that you should follow. Nevertheless, there are helpful principles that can guide you on what to say to someone who is grieving. 

Before we discuss the principles, there are some factors to consider when deciding what to say to a grieving person. For example, your relationship with the grieving person (acquaintance or close friend), post-loss timeline (immediately after the loss, during funeral service or one year after the loss), the cause of death, culture, and how the bereaved wants to be comforted.  

You may feel anxious or uneasy about what to say or not to say to a grieving person. But do not let fear prevent you from reaching out to someone grieving. After all, your care, compassion, and courage to lend a listening ear and helping hand triumph the spoken and unspoken words. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Here is the PRESENCES acronym—the principles to guide you on what to say to the bereaved. 

P – Be present for the bereaved

“I am here with you and for you.”

Before you say a single word, it is paramount that the grieving person knows you are there with them and for them, i.e., you are there to listen if they want to talk about their loss, you are there if they are going to cry on your shoulder, and you are there if they want to vent or share the memories. By being present mindfully, you can take the cues from the bereaved, respond compassionately, and provide hope, comfort, and healing.  

R – Recognise the losses

“I am sorry to hear that your mother/father/friend died.”

The bereaved often want someone to acknowledge their losses and share their pain. By using the word “died”, you recognise the loss and show that you are open to engaging in supportive conversation with the grieving person.

E – Empathise with their feelings

“How are you feeling now?”

The grieving person frequently experiences an emotional roller-coaster in their grief. One moment they may feel sad; another moment, they may feel angry. By asking how they feel at that moment, you are helping them to connect and express their emotions freely rather than avoid, suppress, or numb their pain. Furthermore, by empathising with their feelings, you validate their experience without judgement and criticism. Sometimes, if you are lost for words, you may say, “I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can”, to instil hope and support.    

S – Show ongoing care and support

“Next week is Paul’s first death anniversary. What can I do to support you?”

The bereaved person often receives a lot of support during the initial period of the loss leading up to the funeral. After that, the attention, care and support tend to dwindle. But this is the time when they need the support most. Therefore, if you can, keep in contact either by phone, text or in person and continue to offer care and support, particularly during significant days, such as the anniversary and birthday of the deceased.

E – Engage in practical support or assistance

“How can I best support you now?”

It can be difficult for grieving people to ask for help and support. They might feel guilty about receiving attention, fear being a burden to others, or be too exhausted to reach out. You can turn your words into actions by offering practical support or assistance. But instead of saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” you can make a specific suggestion, such as “I have cooked some chicken soup and fried rice. When can I drop by and bring you some?” You can also help shop for groceries or run errands, help with funeral arrangements, accompany them for a walk, or do an enjoyable activity together.      

N – Normalise the grieving responses

“It is normal to feel angry/hopeless/guilty/fearful.”

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. In other words, everyone grieves differently. For example, the bereaved may believe that their grief needs to fit into particular family, societal or cultural expectations. However, with unmet expectations, they may feel disappointed and think that they are “abnormal” or “going crazy”. As a supportive family or friend, you can assure them what they feel is normal, and people often go through the pendulum swings of highs and lows of emotions. 

C – Create grief rituals

“How do you want to remember and honour (deceased’s name)?”

Grief rituals are purposeful and symbolic activities that help people celebrate the life of their loved ones and express their deepest thoughts and feelings for the deceased. They help ease the pain, bring people together and create meaning through a time of loss. Some grief rituals can include lighting a candle at a specific time of the day, writing the loved one a letter, or planting a tree in your loved one’s memory. 

E – Express your concerns about maladaptive coping strategies

“I noticed that you have been drinking more than usual in the last four weeks whenever we catch up. I am concerned for your wellbeing.” 

Following the death of a loved one, the grieving person may engage in temporary maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the loss, for example, excessive drinking or substance use, self-harm and binge eating. If you notice a persistent pattern of self-destructive behaviours, you can express your concerns in non-judgemental and compassionate manners and encourage the bereaved to seek professional help.       

S – Sit in silence

“I don’t know what to say, so I am just going to sit here with you.”    

You have heard the saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” The same goes with silence too. For the bereaved, a timely and appropriate silence speaks a thousand words. If you cannot think of something to say, say nothing. Amid intentional silence, you can offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a loving hug.

(i) experience chest pain, headache, and palpitations (biological/physical) 

(ii) feel sad, angry, and guilty, and find it hard to make simple decisions (psychological) 

(iii) withdraw or cling to others (social) 

(iv) question God or your spiritual beliefs (spiritual) 

All these reactions are signs and symptoms of a normal grieving experience. Most people accept the loss, work through the pain, and eventually adjust and re-establish their lives without the loved one’s presence.

However, for some people, the normal grieving process and healing can become derailed and disruptive – to the extent that they develop a chronic and debilitating condition. In other words, they do not cope effectively with bereavement, and they become entangled and stuck in grief. This is known as unresolved or complicated grief. 

Grief is not a disease. But suppose your grief becomes acute, intense and prolonged, and you are swept away by endless waves of painful thoughts, emotions, and memories. In that case, you may experience unresolved or complicated grief. If that is the case, you may want to seek professional help, such as talking to a grief counsellor to help you come to terms with your loss and regain a sense of peace and hope.

Signs and symptoms 

If you wonder whether you are experiencing unresolved or complicated grief, here are some signs and symptoms using the COMPLICATED acronym. Before you jump to a conclusion, many of these signs and symptoms are also common and expected for normal grieving. What differentiates normal grief and complicated grief is the severity, impact, and duration of your grief. If your grief is causing excessive distress, intense pain, prolonged rumination, persistent disbelief, and significant impairment of your wellbeing and major areas of functioning, you may consider seeking professional help. 

C – Caught up in counterfactual thinking

Counterfactual thinking is thinking about a past that did not happen. It also focuses on how the past might have been or how the present could be different. This is often the “if only” situation, where you wish something had or had not happened.  

When your grief becomes complicated or unresolved, you tend to ruminate in counterfactual thinking, where you relentlessly seek to reverse the tragedy of the loss somehow. As a result, the endless “if only” “scenarios often sustain your pain and suffering. For example, “If only I picked him up, he would not have died in the car accident,” “If only I saw it coming, she would not die by suicide,” or “If only I woke him up in the morning, he would not have a heart attack.”    

O – Obsessed (or rumination) with the deceased

It is common and healthy to form an attachment or emotional connection with your loved one. In other words, you will miss and yearn for them in the years to come. But suppose you persistently desire or long for your loved one and constantly pursue to feel closer to them through rumination, pictures, keepsakes, clothing, or other items. In that case, you may be showing symptoms of unresolved grief. Furthermore, if you frequently seek to see, hear, touch, or smell things that remind you of the deceased and the preoccupying thoughts interfere with your daily functioning, that is another red flag for complicated grief.    

M – Maladaptive coping strategies

Grief is painful, and thus, as a short-term measure, it is natural to do things to ease, numb, avoid or escape the pain. For example, you may engage in maladaptive strategies to help you cope with the death of your loved one, such as consuming drugs (prescribed or illicit) and alcohol, ruminating or shutting down your feelings. You may also self-blame, self-harm, binge eats, disengage from supporting family and friends, and be involved in risk-taking and dangerous behaviours. While such maladaptive behaviours may temporarily relieve the pain, they are not optimally healthy and effective in the long run. 

P – Persistent feelings of loneliness and emptiness 

Some people describe that losing a loved one is like an amputation, i.e., you lost a vital part of your body, and your life is no longer complete. You may experience feelings of loneliness and emptiness, which leave you feeling emotionally numb, despondent, isolated and anxious, which can be expected. However, if you persistently feel disconnected and worthless, you may be at risk of experiencing complicated grief.      

L – Loss of meaning in life

Losing a loved one can shatter your sense of meaning in life. For example, you may ask yourself, “Who am I now that my life has changed? Where do I go from here? How do I find meaning in life again?” The frequent intense feelings of loneliness can also exacerbate the loss of meaning. For example, if you struggle with suicidal thoughts or believe that your life is meaningless and not worth living without your loved one, please seek professional help immediately, such as your doctor, counsellor or call Lifeline Australia at 13 11 14.

I – Intense pain and sorrow that does not improve over time   

You will experience intense pain and heartache when you lose a loved one. But when emotions such as guilt, bitterness, or anger are relentless and excessively painful and devour your ability to enjoy life or experience positive emotions, such as joy, peace, and hope, you may be at risk of complicated grief. 

C – Catastrophizing about the future 

Traumatic experiences such as losing your loved one can predispose you to catastrophise or worry incessantly about a range of bad things that may happen because your loved one is gone. It is a constant rumination about irrational worst-case scenarios, increasing anxiety and stopping you from taking action and doing what matters. For example, “Without my loved one, I will never find love, joy and hope again. Therefore, I will be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life.” Another example is, “My husband died from a car accident. Thus, it is no longer safe for me to drive. If I can’t drive, that means I can’t get to work, and I will end up homeless and in poverty.”  

A – Avoid reminders of the loss 

Losing your loved one is painful. As an instinctive response, you may engage in actions that avoid or escape painful thoughts and feelings, such as places, situations, objects or activities that remind you of the loss. For example, a mother who lost her son might avoid places she used to go (i.e., his school or bedroom), see his friends, or participate in activities they may have enjoyed together. While avoidance is generally considered an adaptive response to loss, persistent and over-reliance on avoidance may prolong the grieving process and contribute to unresolved or complicated grief, especially if the avoidance is due to the inability to accept the death. 

T – Trouble carries out everyday routines 

Grieving can consume most of your physical and psychological energy, especially during the initial period after the loss. Therefore, you may feel exhausted and unmotivated to carry out day-to-day routines, such as waking up, working, cooking, driving, gardening, and caring for others. If you continue to feel tired, lethargic and languish for a long time, and you have trouble carrying out everyday routines, it may be a sign that you are experiencing unresolved grief.

E – Erratic thoughts and behaviours

When you lose someone significant, you may feel like you are losing your mind. For example, you may see, hear, or sense your loved one. Sometimes you may become preoccupied with your loved one to the point that you display symptoms of an illness your loved one had. Or you may attempt to feel closer to them by surrounding yourself with their possessions. Are you losing it? Most likely not. But if you or the people around you notice that you frequently have erratic thoughts or behaviours that are unlike you and potentially harmful to yourself or others, you may want to seek help.      

D – Difficulty accepting the loss

Willian Worden, a renowned psychologist who specialises in grief and loss, advocates that helping people accept the reality of the loss is crucial in healthy grieving. Denial is a common response during the initial phase of the loss. It is a temporary protective mechanism to shield you from the traumatic experience and make sense of the senseless loss. As time goes by, most people will come to terms with the loss. If you are struggling to accept the loss and relentless denied the death, please reach out for support and take the steps that will enable you to heal.

When someone you loved dies, your whole world stops, time stands still, and you often find yourself trapped in the “grief loop.” In other words, your grief runs continuously, and you are consumed by a wide range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, despair, fear, anxiety, and worries. 

But as time goes by, and as you embrace and engage the grieving process, the “grief loop” begins to break into intertwined moments and memories of denial and acceptance, sorrow and joy, despair and hope, fear and courage, vulnerability and resilience. 

So, how long does grief last?

Studies suggest that most bereaved persons adapt to the loss with reduced grief intensity after six to twelve months. But the truth is there is no set timeframe for grief because people grieve differently. Furthermore, several factors have been suggested to impact the duration and severity of grief. For example, the relationship with the deceased, cause of death, types of losses, coping styles, and cultural differences. 

Is there a timeline for grief?

Many people equate grief to suffering, heartache, and painful emotions and memories. Therefore, it is expected that we do not want grief (pain) to linger, and we try everything to make the grief go away as soon as possible. But the reality is we grieve because we are human, and we love and care for others. In other words, grief is an expression of our love and devotion to the people who mattered to us. 

For most people, grief fluctuates throughout the timeline, and the grieving experience and expression show up differently.

It is important to note that we cannot map the grief neatly on a timeline, and in fact, the grief timeline is somewhat a misnomer. Nevertheless, grief’s intensity, frequency, and impact tend to oscillate and diminish (not disappear) over time. For example, the acceptance of death tends to settle in as shock and disbelief wear off; sadness and loneliness are less intense and frequent, and the hope to adjust and adapt to a new life becomes more of a reality.

While we may feel and think less of the grief over time, the love and longing we have for our loved ones remain strong and steadfast. 

Let’s look at the grief timeline to examine how long grief will last. Once again, the grief duration varies from individual to individual. In addition, the timeline serves as a description of the experience rather than a prescription of an expected timeline.   

The first few days 

Grief is in the acute phase. Some people are in shock and denial when the loss happens. Grief is intense, overwhelming and can last for every minute. But for others, they may feel numb, surreal, and cannot experience the pain of grief yet. 

The funeral

The funeral is an essential grief ritual to celebrate, remember and reflect on the loved one’s life.

Some people find acceptance, support, comfort, hope and healing during the funeral as they process their grief and pain. The reality of the loss begins to sink in and settle, and they may experience a sense of relief as they say goodbye to their loved ones through burial, cremation or other forms of the funeral.

For others, the funeral may intensify the grieving experience. They may wail and scream as they hold tightly to the casket, burst in anger when the body is cremated; they may break down in exhaustion and despair when the funeral is over. Grief tends to peak at the funeral.  

After the funeral 

The funeral is one of the significant milestones that brings acceptance and closure.

It is expected that the bereaved may yearn for the loved one after the funeral, and the pining comes and goes like the waves. Some people will ruminate more frequently than others. For example, they may spend hours in the deceased’s room, hold on to a significant item, isolate themselves from other people, and talk to the deceased. Others may invite friends and family to grieve together, go for a walk, engage in memorial projects and begin to rebuild a life without the deceased.

The grief is still intense, it comes in waves and moments, and people tend to move between grieving, resting, working, living and grieving.  

First anniversary 

The grief is still there, perhaps not as intense and frequent as the initial loss. For some, you may look back at the weeks and months of heartache and longing and suddenly realise how far you have come in living with your grief and rebuilding the “new normal” without the deceased. But for others, the approaching and arriving of the first anniversary can trigger fresh pain and memory of the loss and amplify the emotional roller-coaster of grief. 

A few years later 

The grief is still around. Many people have found ways to live with their grief and establish a continuing bond or connection with their loved ones. They may have formal or informal rituals to celebrate and reminiscence the legacy or create moments to soak in grief – to allow themselves to feel the tears, wrestle with unanswered questions, and wish that their loved ones are still alive.  

At the last hour 

What will you be thinking at your last hour? The sorrow of leaving the living behind? Or the joy of joining your loved one? Honestly, I don’t know. My hunch is you may have befriended your grief and even appreciate it because it has kept your love for your loved one alive.  

When will I feel better after a loss?

Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint. In other words, everyone grief differently and therefore, the duration, frequency and intensity of grief will vary from one person to another.

Many people report that they feel “better” after some time, and the timeline varies from moment to moment and weeks to years. The “better” can mean “My heart is still aching, but I feel the warmth of the sunrise”, or “I am in a mess, so I decided to catch up with a good mate to share my pain”, or “I feel hopeful and energised today, and I am going to work on the veggie patch that John and I had started.”     

How long is too long to mourn?

There is no set timeline for how long a person should mourn. Your mourning is a constellation of your memories and affirmation of your love for your loved one.

Studies show that the intensity of grief can peak between six months to two years, but with individual and cultural differences. The result from the studies does not mean that mourning is over after two years. Many people have learned to live with their grief rather than get stuck in it.

But if you find yourself mourning to the extent that the pain and sorrow have debilitated your day-to-day life and wellbeing, you may be at risk of developing complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder.

Some symptoms include persistent disbelief about the death, excessive rumination about the deceased, incessant sorrow and maladaptive coping strategies. You may want to seek professional help if you experience these symptoms. 

Does the grief ever go away?

Your grief is like the ebb and flow of the waves. Sometimes, you swim across the calm and still water of emotions for weeks or months without feeling the sorrow or longing. Another time you may crush by the tidal waves of pain and sadness and can barely keep your head above the water.

You can take comfort and confidence that as time goes by, you can learn to wade through the coming and going of grief and live a meaningful and fulfilling life that honours the legacy of your loved one.     

Do I need professional help?

Because grief is a natural response to a loss, many people go through grief without needing professional counselling or therapy. Nevertheless, some people find it helpful to share and express their grief with a registered counsellor who is compassionate, respectful, non-judgmental and skilled in understanding the dynamics and complexities of grief and loss.

Sometimes, grief is so overwhelming and painful that it significantly disrupts your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Moreover, grief has impaired your day-to-day functioning for a long time. If that is the case, you may benefit from grief and loss counselling.

One quick checklist you can use is to assess the severity, impact, and duration of grief. You can ask yourself:

(i) To what extent is my grief disrupting my thoughts, feelings and behaviours?

(ii) How is my grief impacting my relationships with others, health and wellbeing, work and day-to-day functioning?

(iii) How long have I felt sad, depressed, guilty, confused, angry, worried, anxious and fearful?

If your grief persistently and significantly impacts and impairs your wellbeing and day-to-day functioning, you may consider seeking professional help from a grief counsellor. 

Is crying normal?

If you find yourself crying every day after a death, you are normal; if you do not cry every day after a death, you are normal too. Why? Because we grieve differently. For some people, they express their grief through tears, and for others, they communicate their pain and sorrow through silence, rituals, self-reflection, and actions. 

Crying is one of the authentic and courageous ways to communicate your thoughts, feelings and longing for your loved one when you are lost for words. For many, the tears are both catharsis and therapeutic. They help the bereaved express their acute and painful emotions, providing comfort and support to the grieving.

Is crying part of grieving?

Grieving is a complex reaction to loss, which involves physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual elements. It is an ongoing process of oscillation, adjustment, and adaptation. Crying can be a part of grieving, but not everyone cries when they grieve.

There are a few factors that influence whether people cry when they grieve. Some people find crying easy and natural due to their personality and temperament. They are more in tune with their feelings and are comfortable expressing their grief through crying.

Others may find crying unnatural, challenging or even intimidating. This could be due to personal beliefs and perceptions of crying (e.g., crying is weak and useless), cultural and family conditioning (e.g., crying is discouraged or prohibited), or a deliberate attempt to repress emotions.  

We need to be careful not to put people into boxes or judge how one should grieve. For example, if crying is part of your grieving, let the tears flow freely. But if crying is not how you predominantly express your pain and sorrow, you should not be made to feel guilty about not crying. We all need to feel safe and respected to express our grief. 

What is the difference between mourning and crying?

Mourning is an expression of sadness or sorrow, often responding to grieving over a death. Mourning may or may not involve crying, which is to shed tears. The tears can result from a wide range of intense emotions, such as sadness and euphoria.   

Is crying good for you when grieving?

Studies suggest that crying, particularly emotional crying in grieving, can serve a few positive benefits, which the TEAR acronym can summarise. 

T – Tell A Story 

Your tears matter because it tells a story. It might be a story of how you and your loved one met, a tale of friendship, family connections, romance, intimacy, and interpersonal relationships, which are often intertwined with love, fight, joy, sorrow, excitement, disappointment, gratitude and grief. The tears help you paint a picture that no words can describe and allow you to remember and celebrate the legacy of your loved one.

E = Express Feelings and Thoughts 

Crying in response to grieving help to express a wide range of feelings and thoughts. For example, “I am hurting”, “I have lost someone special”, “I am struggling with something excruciating painful”, and “I feel sad/angry/helpless.” Your tears will let others know that you are going through a tough time, and there is no shame in saying, “I am not OK, and I need help now.” 

A = Activate Support 

Crying can trigger empathy and compassion in others and thus, activate support for the bereaved. It also facilitates social bonding and human connection, which are critical in providing comfort and care, and reducing distress.      

R = Release Pain and Sorrow 

Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist and psychologist, theorised that crying could be a form of self-soothing behaviour to manage distressing events. The release of oxytocin and endogenous opioids, or endorphins, can sedate, reduce pain, and restore emotional equilibrium. But more research is needed in this area.

How long does it take to stop crying after a death?

Crying is a normal and healthy way to express your grief. Therefore, there is no timeline of when you should stop crying after a death because we grieve differently. Some people cry every day for a long time to communicate their sadness and yearning for their loved ones; other people stop crying after the funeral.

The key is that you can cry for as long as you need to process your pain, adjust to living without your loved one, and rebuild a life that looks after your wellbeing and honours the deceased.

Sometimes your tears can invoke uncomfortable thoughts and feelings for others, especially if the tears are perceived as signs of weakness, immaturity, not coping or pathology that need to be fixed. Beware of how your cultural conditioning, family and societal expectations can shape and influence how long you should stop crying after a death.

Moreover, you can ask yourself, “Why do I cry?” and “Why do I want to stop crying?” Let your tears out if you cry mindfully and intentionally in response to the TEAR acronym. But if you deliberately hold back your tears even if you are hurting because you do not want to upset people or due to cultural expectations, you can either challenge the perceptions, be true to yourself or find other ways to express your TEAR. 

However, suppose you have been crying persistently, hysterically and uncontrollably to the extent that it interferes and disrupts your health and wellbeing. In that case, you may want to seek professional help from a grief counsellor.   

Your tears are precious and powerful. As Washington Irving said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” 

The truth is grief is messy, active, and continuous. In other words, there is no one formula or specific stages to grieving, and time alone does not heal the broken heart of loss but allowing ourselves to grieve over time heals the broken heart.

If you or someone you know has lost a loved one, the following suggestions from the ACCEPTANCE acronym may help you cope with the loss of a loved one:

A – Accept the reality of the loss

When you lose a loved one, whether the death is expected (e.g., chronic terminal illness) or unexpected (e.g., suicides), it is natural to struggle to accept the reality of the loss. But for most people, eventually, they find ways to accept the reality of the loss.

According to Dr William Worden, helping people accept the reality of the loss is crucial in moving forward with grief. Once we have accepted the loss, we can give ourselves the permission and compassion to be human and grieve.

Some activities that facilitate the reality of the loss include viewing the body after the death, participating in rituals, such as funerals, burials, memorial services, and the spreading of ashes can help come to terms with the reality of the death.

C – Connect with others

You do not need to grieve alone. Take the courage to share your loss with people who love, care, and understand you. You are not a burden to them. You can talk about your memories and experiences of the life and death of your loved one.

Yes, you will feel the pain when you share your loss with others. But you will also find comfort, care, and support that will lift you up.

Besides connecting with others, you can connect and draw close to God and engage in spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, going to church or temple, and serving others.

In addition, based on the research by Professor Robert Neimeyer, as part of healthy grieving, you are encouraged to establish an enduring connection or continuing bond with your loved ones.

C – Practice compassionate talks and actions

Compassion is simply acknowledging your pain and responding with kindness.

Dr Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion, explains that “with self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

When we are grieving, especially when guilt is involved, we often fall into the traps of harsh self-judgment and self-criticism. Think for a moment; what are some of the kind talks and actions you would say and do for a good friend who is grieving? Got some ideas? Now extend the same kindness to yourself.

E – Embrace the pain

Grief is a normal and natural response to losses, and part of grieving is to experience the painful thoughts, emotions, and memories associated with our loved ones.

You can fight or run away from the pain, but eventually, the pain will show up and paralysed you. Or you can embrace the pain with kindness and endurance while you remember, celebrate, cherish and honour your loved one.

P – Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Grief does not magically disappear after a specific timeline. When your loved one dies, you might experience grief over your loss again and again — sometimes even years later.

Specific reminders or grief “triggers” can often bring back strong and intense emotions, such as sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, or loneliness.

The common grief “triggers” include festive holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. But reminders can also be anywhere and unpredictable. For example, you might suddenly be flooded by sights, sounds, and smells that remind you of your loved one.

Therefore, plan and be prepared as you take steps to cope with reminders of your loss. For example, understand that intense feelings are expected during your anniversary, schedule a gathering or a visit with friends when you are likely to feel alone, and start a new tradition that honoured your loved one.

T – Seek out therapy or counselling

If you are overwhelmed by your grief and adversely affecting your day-to-day lifestyle for a prolonged period, find a grief counsellor to work through your pain and develop strategies to improve and sustain your health and wellbeing.

A – Ask for help

Many people find it challenging to ask for help when grieving. We have been taught to “be strong”, “bury the pain”, “carry your burden”, and “fix yourself.”

These debilitating thoughts create barriers for us to receive help from others and isolate us from building meaningful connections and belonging from our networks.

Be bold in asking for help and let others know how they can best support you. After all, we are all in the same boat — our common humanity in pain and suffering unites us.

N – Maintain a normal lifestyle

Grief can shatter your sense of security and stability. It can also create chaos and confusion in your lives. Thus, it is essential that you maintain a normal lifestyle that helps you keep your roots and some sense of security.

In other words, try not to make significant life changes (for example, moving interstate or overseas, changing jobs or important relationships) that will further disrupt your stability.

Instead, you can create routines and rituals that get you back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others.

C – Care for yourself and others

Do you know that when you grieve, your body releases cortisol (the stress hormones) to cope with the acute emotions, stress and fatigue associated with grief?

High levels of cortisol over a long time can increase the risk of heart disease, digestive issues, body aches and pains, sleep problems and lower immunity.

Hence, self-care is so vital in keeping your body and mind healthy. Self-care is a deliberate activity to maintain or improve your physical, emotional or mental health.

Ask yourself, what activities revitalise you and give you a sense of pleasure and wellbeing? These exclude activities that may avoid stress or pain, such as drug and alcohol use.

Remember, self-care is not selfish. It is looking after yourselves so that you can look after others as needs arise.

E – Express your love and kindness to others

Grief can be consuming. It consumes your energy, attention, and capacity. Hence, it is crucial that you engage in rest and activities that restore your health and wellbeing.

Grief can also be a powerful catalyst to transform your pain into something valuable, meaningful, purposeful, and beneficial to others.

In other words, many people turn their grief into opportunities to express love and kindness to those who are hurting. For example, The Compassionate Friends (a non-profit organisation supporting the family after a child dies) and Wings of Hope (a non-profit organisation supporting the bereaved impacted by suicide) are founded by volunteers who have lived experience of the death of a child and suicide.

You do not need to create an organisation at a national or international level to express your love and kindness to others.

If you are willing, and when the time is right, you can start sharing your journey of hope and courage, vulnerability, and resilience to those in need. You can “use your voice for kindness, your ears for compassion, your hands for charity, your mind for truth, and your heart for love.”

Anonymous